||[5 January 2007 ♥ 11:38am]
For talonvaki especially, but really, this is dedicated and directed to anyone who can relate. If you've been in this situation, I empathize and sympathize.
During the last part of 2005 and the first half (or more) of 2006, I was having a problem with one of my lungs. Long story short, it's fixed now, but in the interim I was having all kinds of breathing issues and I was chronically ill. Always had a cold or bronchitis of some kind, for a span of well over six months. During that time, my doctor said that part of what was exacerbating the problem was the presence of allergens in my home. Now I have what I'd consider to be 'normal' allergies such as dust, pollen, mold, and so on. I'm apparently slightly allergic to cats (and I've got two whoppin' shedders), and coconut (which is NOT present in my house). She suggested that I replace my bedding with allergen-reducing options, get a leather-type couch, and so on. She said that everyone reacts to allergens, and that we each have what could be visualized as an allergen cup. We can handle so much in our cup before it overflows. Some allergens that we're more sensitive to may take up more room in the cup, and can then make us react to things that normally wouldn't bother us. For example, if I had a lot of mold somewhere in my house, I could be handling that fine because it'd all fit into the allergen cup, but then along comes kitty dander and I'm a mess even though it never bothered me before and in the grand scheme, isn't a very big source of allergen-induced misery.
So, I knocked out some sources of dust and dander and started feeling a lot better. The mold (or whatever was bothering me) is likely still there as big and bad as ever, but I made more room in the cup by eliminating a lot of the dust and dander.
All of this backstory is laying the groundwork for the real subject of this post: I think we all have an emotion cup, and sometimes, our cups runneth over.
Every time something frustrates us, angers us, hurts us, or otherwise emotionally injures us, it piles into our emotion cup. When something is positive in our lives, though, it kind of takes from the cup. Ideally, the positive will outnumber the negative, and our cups remain, optimistically, half-empty.
Sometimes, though, we find ourselves in situations that seem hopeless, and we become frustrated and raw, angry and irritated. It absolutely helps to have people who love us and treat us well. It helps to find goodness in others and from others. All of this works desperately to try to keep the cup from overflowing, but when we're in such dark, dire situations from which there seems to be no escape, our cup keeps getting more and more full until finally we're reduced to sobbing wrecks over something as stupid as not having enough hot water to take a bath or being unable to find over-ripe bananas for muffins. We're not really crying about the stupid bananas, we're crying about the primary 'allergen'.
When the cup overflows, we start experiencing 'symptoms'. These symptoms can very from person to person. In my case, I might pick up a McDonald's ice cream cone at South Station every day for a couple months because it makes me feel better. Or I might grab a 3 Musketeers because I get a little boost from the chocolate. I buy some new clothes. I 'window shop' online because I can't focus solely on all the crap I'm *supposed* to be doing. I get lazy. When I do have free time, I don't want to cook or clean or do anything responsible. I want to watch TV or play with my Nintendo DS. I want to take a bath, dammit. I want to be slothful and unproductive, and I want it to include copious quantities of chocolate.
I've found my cup overflowing now since early in 2004. On my computer, there's been a folder entitled "Project Jan 31" since 2004. It's a folder that contains cover letters and resumes and anything else related to trying to move my cup from under the Faucet of Frustration. Nothing has come of it so far, and while the market isn't the best out there, I'm not going to pretend that it's not at all my fault.
But here's the tricky part. The fuller my cup becomes, the less energy I have to push it. It's heavier because it's full, and I'm weaker from pushing. All I want to do some days is to crawl into the damn cup and drown.
I know I'm not pushing with 100% of my energy. I also know that everyone around me has heard a million times how unhappy I am, and by extension, I'm making everyone else unhappy.
Basically, my quality of life is suffering because my cup is overflowing. I have a lot of good things in my life, but there's so much toxicity being dumped into my cup that it's just so hard to keep the cup from spilling over. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm not as focused, not as motivated. I cause fights for no good reason. I complain nearly constantly. I yell at the cats for walking too slowly and trying to 'help' cook. (Ok, so it's mostly Max.)
Sure, I could quit. I could leave and never look back. But then I don't have money to live. I don't have anything lined up and I don't need to look very far to see how tough it is to find a good job out there right now. That said, I feel like I'm so downtrodden by my current situation that I don't make a very appealing choice right now.
I think... I just need a bigger cup, maybe. I can't figure out how to upgrade to a Venti, though.
Current Mood: cranky, frustrated, irritable, terrified, angry, wistful, frayed and raw